1-1-11

So I attended a get-together and I walked into conversation about New Year's resolutions and the fact that they were being discussed as part of a game. But then the conversation turned into just discussing resolutions in general and I personally don't create resolutions. I could be perceiving it wrong but I think one of the persons thought I was mocking the idea of resolutions and became slightly defensive about the fact that they make resolutions and last year they stuck to it and because of it their life has changed and so why wouldn't they stick to it this year. I hadn't wanted to make it a big deal- I find it commendable that people will actually stick to their resolutions- it's just a behavioral modification that's never worked for me.

I jokingly said that I'm not much of a goal-oriented person so resolutions are kind of pointless and Mark said that it wasn't true. I make goals all the time it just takes me awhile. I jokingly compared myself to the tortoise in the tortoise and the hare stories. Another person said “yes but the tortoise wins”. Which, surprisingly, made me feel better about myself. I might go slow and steady but hopefully I do get there, wherever there is. I mean...I make plans to do something all the time and most of them fall through. I don't make the lasagna on Thursday that I thought I was going to. I didn't go to the post office today like I said I would. My desk didn't get organized by the end of the weekend. But there is some big stuff coming my way and as long as I take it step by step (with a few anxiety melt downs and sobbing along the way) I can actually achieve something.

I'm trying really hard to begin attending school this spring. I'm terrified. The classes are already full. I might have to pay out of pocket or getting AmeriCorps money will be difficult. The schedule will stress me out as I try not to lose any babysitting hours. And in general I will just feel out of place and lonely. But I've been fighting to start these classes since early October and now I'm really close. The next two years will be pretty rough. But I do allow myself to get excited about what might happen when I'm finally a bit more financially secure. So I guess I am capable of some positive future thinking...I just don't like to talk about it.