Dear So-and-So

You know you don't post enough when you forget the URL to your own blog. Sigh.

The weather is great which is great for a babysitter because you basically have to find an open space and let the kids roam. Throw in some items they can discover (sadly in Inwood this means the kids collect random litter and you pray they don't find a used condom) and some friends and granola bars and you could be out there for an hour and 15 minutes. Yippee!

***

A mental letter to my retarded grocery store:
When you use plastic bags it's bad for the environment and a lot of people now use tote bags to carry their purchases home. I know you've noticed that because you've bothered to have your crappy logo printed on generic totes and sell them at your checkout lanes. This is great since you like to double bag the plastic when I'm buying just a loaf of bread. You really love to share your plastic bags.
Soooooo
If I bother to bring 3 tote bags to the store and I'm buying a few heavy items and I'm all by myself with no one to help me carry them why do you shove EVERYTHING into one tote bag and then cram the other two into it as well. The idea- IDIOT- is to avoid using the plastic (and let's not forget I have two hands!). You double bag a loaf of bread but you'll stick 2 giant juices and a load of other items into one bag. The bags are reusable. Go ahead and use them. I carried them all the way here for you to use them.
If you are stupid enough to make me repack my own bags right in front of you please don't jingle your plastic cup in my face and curse me under your breath when I refuse to give you my loose change. This is my loose change. I earned it by using my brain. You should try the same thing.

***

So AT&T sent me a letter in the mail that read something like this:

Dear AT&T customer;

You are the only moron under the age of 35 (boy that range is getting higher) who isn't using an iPhone and in case you haven't heard we've lost our exclusive rights to sell it so we have to compete by making our network BETTER! This means throwing numbers and letters together and hoping that tricks people to stick around.

So this means that your phone is so 'old school' that it will no longer be able to process text messages and phone calls to you and you'll notice a decline in your service! We'd like to think you would upgrade but we've sent you so much junk mail that you have ignored so we're going to assume you have continued to live within your means. Therefore we have no choice but to offer you a new phone for free without signing a new contract.

Don't get too excited! We're only giving you four options and they've been around long enough that our company stores will constantly be out of stock because no one wants them anymore. So keep calling them on a daily basis until one shows up and then you can have it!

Good luck and thank you for being a customer,
AT&T

So guess who has a new phone!!! Just in time too because the battery life had pretty much checked out on my last phone. Which, turns out, might be because I kept it next to my kitchen sink and the faucet leaks just enough to cover the counter but you don't really notice it until you pick up your phone and wonder why the back is wet. And then do that for, like, a year.