Andrew Jackson Haunts Me

So the day had come where I had to finally make good on the promise to take the girls to the pool. We were all packed up and were walking to the 1 train to take up to Van Cortlandt pool and we turned the corner where a Bank of America stands. We had our eyes on the ground because the sun was so bright when, at the exact same time, Big Girl and I gasp. Splayed there, on the ground, is not only a 20 dollar bill but a stack of bills. I bend down crazy fast and snatch them up. The girls are squealing with joy. To a 7 yr. old and a 4.5 yr old finding a quarter is a big deal, imagine a 20 dollar bill.
I stand there in a total state of dumb shock. Clearly, for this stack to still be on the ground it must have just been dropped. Like seconds earlier. So I stand there waiting for someone to dart back around the corner all panicked and freaking out blubbering about dropped money. But no one comes. I tell the girls to lower their voices and I count the money.

It's 160 dollars.
Holy Shit.

In a way my heart drops and accelerates all at the same time. I'm stoked that we just found all this money but I know there is just no way I can keep it. I just can't keep this amount of money.
For so many reasons:
I envisioned some old lady possibly coming back to ask around and no one having it.
I envisioned having to explain to the mom that I found all this money and just kept it even though Big Girl sorta found it first. (I would've thrown them a twenty for their piggy banks but it would be weird).
It just felt...strange.

So I say "We can't keep this. It's just too much." and I go into Bank of America and even though my brain is screaming I go up to the window and say "We just found this.  Can I give it to you just in case someone comes back to ask about it?" And they look at me like I'm insane. BECAUSE I AM. (Later my mom tells me I should've asked if there was any policy where I could come back and claim it but when you have two little hyped-up kids you just want to split)

And I run out of there because I just don't want to be dealing with it anymore. Big Girl can't stop fantasizing what we could do with that money and she's making me feel so full of terrible regret. All I can see is my Con Ed bill paid for. By the time we get to the end of the block I'm so bummed.

I'll be honest- if the girls weren't there I probably would've kept it. I would feel a little weird but I'm pretty sure I'd skip to my favorite drug store right down the street and spend some immediately to make it mine, all mine. But all I could think about was being a 'good role model' (it sounds gag worthy but I swear it's true). I wanted them to think about someone else's hardship.
I thought about their dad who is a total douche and that he's teaching them to be completely insensitive to other's struggles. I've been with the family when he's been rude to, talked back to, made fun of homeless people in front of them and it drives me crazy. I've heard Big Girl repeat stuff about poor people. She once was talking about a friend who wears the same shoes everyday (7yr old gasp) and I was so mad that I informed her that some people in the world don't even have shoes. "What do they wear then?" NOTHING I replied. Her mind was momentarily blown.
Anyway, since she has a dad who is teaching her some pretty sketchy morals I just couldn't keep that money in front of her. I have to (if only for a moment) be a better person.
But I was bummed all day.

Later that afternoon when I was depositing them off at home and dad was splayed on the couch listening to Metallica so loud he couldn't even hear his daughter (god forbid he lower it) she excitedly told him about the money we found and turned in.
He looks at me and goes "Well, you're a better person than me." I may have said it with a smirk and had the tone of light humor to protect myself but I turned to him and said:

"Oh, I know."

Later, I was talking to my mom, explaining how I only turned it in because the girls were there. She told me to stop feeling so bad, it's not like that money would've have drastically changed my life (true) but I'm no angel. Instead of sucking it up and moving on I loudly declared "These kids are ruining my life!"

Need the Blue Ice

So HOT. Please make it go away. We used the air conditioner for 2, maybe 2 and a half days in June when the first heat wave (panic across the city) hit and I opened our Con Edison bill and I freaked out. It was $93. Now...sure there are people who pay hundreds and hundreds each month. I work for one dude who, on average, pays like $500 a month on electric and gas. But they don't turn a single thing off. EVER.
Mark and I sit in the dark for as long as possible. Only when the birds start to assume that day is done and they start to nestle down even though they so want to remain at their food bowls do we go "Time to turn on a lamp!" and they lift their wings in jubilation. "Yay! More sunflower seed for me!"
And  yes, the rates are rising so even if we don't run things our bill will still creep up but that doesn't mean I'm not going to panic. We would probably sweat it out for longer and only use the air at bed time if we didn't have these pets who are completely miserable. Which is ironic because technically they are tropical birds but since they've never lived a day in the tropics we do our best to keep them comfortable.

So we've established that summer is here. Which means I'm miserable. Not only do I hate humidity and heat, my body just can't handle it. I've passed out and vomited and have had intravenous liquids all thanks to my handful of heat stroke episodes during my youth. Which is also funny for the same way the thing about my birds is funny: Genetically, I'm of Puerto Rican descent, though we know I'm pretty gringa, or as I more gently put it Sorta Rican. But basically, if the world was not modern and homogenized I'd be living on a Caribbean island drinking fruit juices and sweating like a pig and should be able to deal with it just fine. But alas, I've never even been to the Caribbean. So dear god, get me to an air conditioner.

But, of course, in my quest for perfecting being in a bad mood I have other reasons to hate summer. One of them being that my loving, gentle, intelligent husband happily stumbled into a teaching job 3 years ago and is enjoying yet another summer off while I traipse around Manhattan and the Bronx with two spoiled kids who are apparently just too precious to be put in day camp. So every morning I get up and have to mutter to myself in the shower "It's not his fault, don't be mad at him, it's not his fault, don't be mad at him, it's not his fault, don't be mad at him." And then get out of the shower and try and smile at him as he says good morning. But I can barely see his smile because he literally walks around with a cloud of joy and ecstasy around his face.
I mean, points for him. He's still getting up and making my coffee for me. Probably because he knows I'm one step away from having a nervous breakdown. But still...ask me in August if that whole routine is still playing out.

And yes, considering I will be losing a lot of work hours when I return to being a full-time student in the Fall (AHHHH!) I should be jumping for joy to have a full babysitting gig this summer that pays me. You know. With actual money. But I get so overwhelmed by taking care of these EXTREMELY needy kids for a whole, very long, very hot (I mentioned it's hot, right?) very tiring day. Also, I think that I get used to having so much free time during the school year to do all my errands during the day when other people are at work that I miss it. I miss going to the supermarket and it's only grandmas and delivery men. I miss going to the post office and being the second person in line instead of the 54th. I miss having energy at 1pm and doing my workout instead of coming home and being too tired to exercise. I miss watching TMZ without Mark being home and being mad that I'm watching TMZ.
And finally, I'm terrified that I'm going to be extremely burned out by the end of the summer that I will bomb in my classes because I will be physically exhausted. I'm really, really scared about that. If I don't do well, if I don't get into the nursing phase of the classes then this whole drama has been for nothing and my brain can't even wrap around that. It's too terrible.

Sigh. Well, Mark is taking a nap (I'm trying not to be annoyed because it is a Sunday, but I know this is like his 5th nap this week). I just finished the household bills. And I'm counting down the days until I can sit back, relax, and watch the new Breaking Bad season. Crystal meth...hmm...maybe that will help me get through my classes....